So today was one of those days when it all just hits the fan. When you’re all up in your feels, its -13c outside (hence leaving your room is obviously not an option), and you don’t know whether it’ll pass at all. To call it a low point is an understatement. I’m sure we’ve all had one of those, right? It can’t all be rainbows and butterflies.
What happened you ask? Valid question. Loaded question. Answer? I don’t really know. I mean I know, but I don’t know. It was work. As it always is. I had my first official project in december, and I didn’t do very well, and I thought it was a circumstance issue as well, and I got over it during the holidays. But I had a chat with my counsellor today, and all of it came back. It was like a can of worms opened up involuntarily. Then I went down this rabbit hole of “Omg I’m 3 months into the job, I don’t have any work to do, why? Is it me? Am I not good enough? XYZ has work to do, ABC has work to do – but me…why?” And then, as usual (a flaw I’ve yet to fix) my work-dependent non existent self-worth shot me in the foot. And all the tears came flowing out. In my head, I feel like I’m against this ticking time bomb. As if I don’t do something during work hours, I’m wasting my time, and I’m falling behind in my career. OOH! Speaking of – my ultimate fear? Falling behind. Not reaching my potential. Unfortunately not spiders haha.
Anyways, I was doing a little digging (inwards) and I realized a couple things that contributed to the not-so-optimal outcome of that project:
- Self Doubt: It’s funny how this one doesn’t help anyone out (unless one takes action), and yet this one really did me dirty. This is what was playing on replay in my head: “You don’t know anything about this. Can you actually do this? What if you mess up? There’s so much riding on this. Look at XYZ and how quickly he’s doing it. Omg I made a mistake, it’s okay, the floodgates are open. Okay I clearly can’t do this – I just want to get out of here.” But instead, what if because I was new and didn’t know anything, it played to my advantage? I was a sponge, this was the best opportunity to ask as many questions as possible, show that I was keen to learn and here to for exactly that? Instead, I let this narrative in my head tell the story. Self-fulfilling prophecy much? What also contributed to this was the victim mindset. “Omg I don’t know anything, poor me. How am I going to cope? Someone help her”. No. Snap out of it. You’re not a victim. You’re a fighter. Time to soldier on. Self doubt got no one anywhere.
- Detachment from the situation: The days leading up to the project, I had heard about what it might be like from a colleague, and it sounded brutal. So I tried to detach from the situation and not think about it at all, because I was like “I’ll be suffering next week, so might as well not think about this right now”. What did this lead to? Excess worry that prevented me from performing me at my best. What should I have done? Excess preparation. Action beats anxiety friends.
- Lack of self-belief: Maybe this is from the imposter syndrome, maybe its from my constant comparison to my peers or maybe the fact that I don’t trust myself yet – but I’ve felt an a significant lack of self-belief. I constantly question whether I can do this or not. But that’s not the point. The point is to figure it out. Make it out of the woods – and I know I can do it. Why? Because a) I’m a figure-out-er, and b) I’ve made it this far in my life. I’ve done many a feat more than this – I can do this. I know it. I just gotta for it, fearlessly – because there’s no other choice.
- Volatile attitude: I think throughout of the project, I felt my attitude changing. Initially, I was nervous and excited to get started, and then I was frustrated that I wasn’t getting anything done right, and then I was feeling resentment because I thought I wasn’t taken seriously, and then I started feeling guilty because I wasn’t saying anything in meetings since I didn’t think I was adding value, leading me to feel useless, and then finally, I was feeling dread. I didn’t want to do it anymore. It was a typical flight or fight situation, and I clearly chose flight, the easier route. But as a preacher of growth, I know better. I know I needed to fight. I recognized the importance of maintaining an attitude of homeostasis; peace; calm, regardless of the events happening. This consistency is vital to stay level headed. We were all on the same team. And I was treating it like an exam.
Despite the experience, I realized, I could either sulk about it (mind you, which I did for 3 hours today, so I write this post a bowl of tears later), or I could take action and change. Here are my epiphanies:
- Go forth fearlessly – there’s no other option. You’ve got backup.
- Fight to be there. You know you made it, now you gotta prove it.
- Put in double the work – you might not be the most talented person, but you’ve always put in twice the work to catch up. Don’t fear it – look forward to the moment when all the dots connect.
- Recognize it’s part of the process – it’s part of the learning curve. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Be grateful you’re here. And regardless of whether this job amounts to anything, just know no one can take those lessons from you.
- Stay level headed. Your career is a marathon, not a race. Relax, take it easy – it’s okay to. Hustle to find what you truly enjoy doing in the meantime, and hone your skills in areas of weakness.
- Your job is not your self worth. You are worth so much. An amount that is priceless. This doesn’t change with your job, your friends, whatever that happens in your life. Your worth is in your hands.
- The way you feel affects your energy. Hold no resentment, only eagerness for growth. It affects how you interact with people. And you know you’re best when you’re having fun. So just have fun – in every stage.
- Be confident in yourself. You’ve got it in you – and you know that feeling. Be comfortable being in the hotseat. It’s where you’re most comfortable – you’ve always wanted to be interviewed. So be confident in you, baby. I got you.
“Regardless of whether this job amounts to anything, just know no one can take those lessons from you”
In the next project, I refuse to allow my self doubt to take control. I’m in charge. And from now on, I’m confident, here to learn, and proud of my progress thus far. I’m not the same person I was 3 months ago, and one day, I’ll look back and be glad I changed my outlook. Everything has a way of working out, and you know you’re going to be successful – with this in mind, you have got nothing to lose. So go forth, fearlessly. You’ve got have your back. No other option.
And ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got our first “On the down low” post! If you’re going through something too, please hang in there. Know there’s growth coming out of it. I promise. Let your self mull over it, dust yourself off, and move forward with a new outlook. Never, ever give up, not on yourself.