Sometimes I think of how ironic it is the way life plays out. Its funny how we have to consistently get down in the trenches before finding the light, an even brighter light. I know how treacherous it can feel when you’re at a low, and how miserable it can feel when you lose hope. But my two cents? Don’t. Don’t lose hope. Know that for every low, there’s only way forward, and that’s up. And with every low, allow yourself to truly feel it. You’re human – if you don’t embrace your feelings, you won’t find that inner peace.
Remember how I said one of my favorite things to do is go down memory lane? Well today, I was going through some of my old photographs, and I could instantly remember how I was feeling on that particular day – because there was a boy involved. It was my first ever interaction where I felt somewhat deeply attached (so quickly too), and it really got me thinking – and I wrote exactly what I was feeling in the moment:
“I cannot believe there was a period in my life where I allowed myself and my self worth to be controlled by another dude. I can’t believe I would plan my weekends around him asking me out, and if he didn’t, I’d feel disappointed or a negative feeling towards him. My mood would depend on whether we were in sync – I wasn’t living in the present, but constantly having him in the back of my mind. It was like I didn’t see myself or prioritize what I wanted to do or that I came first. I’ve come a long way from that but that low that I felt after becoming codependent and attached has triggered a deep fear of commitment and relationships in me. I feel as though if I were to be in a relationship or a fling right now, that person would have to revolve in my mind for a while, as if the exploration of my own ambitions and passions would be put on the back burner. But maybe, just maybe it doesn’t have to be that way? I have friends of my own now, hobbies of my own and goals I’m striving towards. Maybe part of life is to let people in and let them go. As see, solve and scale [the book] mentioned yesterday, life is a series of filling up and emptying out.
And maybe my past doesn’t have to dictate my future. And maybe the only way forward is acquiescence. Realizing that I had to go through what I went through to grow and find myself in the process. Looking at who I am today, I recognize that I’m so much more than just an object of attractiveness. My job is not to sit and look pretty, hoping someone will find my attractive and lure me away from my reality. No, my job is to keep my eyes open, be here in the moment, live for this reality that I’m in and create a future for myself and my loved ones. What is mine will find me, but for now, I want to be passionately curious – about myself. I don’t need someone else to do it for me. I recall a time after my first GRE attempt where I felt very low, and although I reached out to a friend, him, my mom for support – the only person that made me feel any better, was myself. I’m on my own and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My life is too short to live for or as someone else. It’s me and I’m proud of me. Every step of the process. My purpose is growth. Becoming better than I was yesterday and knowing that the best is on its way, but the precious moments of today aren’t coming back – so be here. Be with me. Stay. I wanna know you. I wanna find myself. Until I can commit to myself, how I can commit to anyone else? “
“Maybe my past doesn’t have to dictate my future – maybe the only way forward is acquiescence”