I’ve been “busy” with one deliverable for this new project I’m on. I say ” busy ” because to this day I don’t fully condone the word nor do I understand people’s infatuation with it. The sheer act of being busy somehow signals some sort of superiority status, a sign that I’ve got more important things to do with my time than you … or maybe that’s fully in my head (as a lot of things tend to be). Anyways, yesterday I went to my first hot yoga class, and that was one for the books! It was insane, very fascinating and a hilarious experience. I’ve never seen men literally sweat buckets, nor have I ever seen fully formed puddles on flat mats. It was an experience nonetheless, and lately I’ve been pushing myself to be open to new experiences and to be honest, I’ve been craving them. There’s so much out there, and as Marcus reminded me today, every day we’re getting closer to our demise, so let’s not waste time mopping around, and get to work. Get to understanding the world before time’s fully up.
Today was also mostly work, but I’m having deja-vu. The last time I put effort in like this, I got really excited that I was going somewhere and things were happening, only for all of it to be flushed down the drain. I guess in hindsight, that effort was a bit misguided since I refused to look at the bigger picture, but rather relish in the fact that I was on a project – or that I was “busy”. This time however, I’m hoping that my changed mindset will make a different. I’ve taken a different approach, a top down one, as some would call it. I’m trying to capture the bigger picture, then get down into the nitty gritty. Honestly, I’m learning more than I ever thought, so I’m really loving that – all I’m praying for is that it’s valuable. I’m loving the process, and I know it’ll be invaluable for me regardless in terms of learning opportunity, but now I’m ready to really add value, explore, count on my instincts and trust my curiosity. I have so many questions, and I’m truly loving uncovering this new world I’m immersed in bit by bit. Genuinely just hoping it’s useful for other team members.
Another realization I’ve had is the fact that I want what I don’t have. I want the best of both worlds – or rather, I want the option of both, and the security of a choice. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted the ability to choose, and sometimes even got to the point of choosing, but nothing really happened after that. It’s like when you see the happily ever after in movies, and assume the rest goes hillbilly. But that’s not life. Life is about going through all the motions, and those motions can only be felt once you make a choice and stick by it. And relish in all that it offers you. I’m currently not there yet. I make a choice, but still flicker here and there, drift and think about the FOMO from what I might possibly be missing out. But if I just accepted that my job right now is to be fully present in the opportunity I’m given, I’d realize how much there is to gain from this. That maybe right now there’s nothing else for me to do but devote myself to my learning and development – maybe that’s where I am in my journey. Maybe that’s what this season of life is about – and I’m happy where I am. I can’t care about the rest, because it’s all temporary. All that’s real is me, my actions/reactions, my character and hermindscape 😉
Another way to come to this acceptance is realizing the fact that we’re all so lucky. So so so frikkin lucky, it’s insanity, and so few of us fully bask in it. And it’s a magic trick, the more you remind yourself of your luck, your fortune, you’re present, the more you’re aware of it – and the more your mind actively searches for it!!
Anyways, talk soon!! (can you believe, i was going to skip writing today’s blog lol but I read 2 audit reports before this, so I can DEF do this!)
P.S. Happy Chinese Lunar New Year!