“I don’t want to be your friend anymore” she said.
Naila was my first best friend in primary school, and her blatant statement turned my whole world around.
In 6th grade, we did everything together. I have very vivid memories of us partnering on every project, going to lunch and above all, living in our own little bubble. So that friendship breakup quite literally came out of the blue for me.
“Why? What did I do?” I desperately wanted to ask. But instead, I responded with a nonchalant “Oh okay that’s cool.”
And that day, my friends, my brain installed the fear of abandonment software. Like any tween, I went home and wept my eyes out into my pillow and refused to let my mother into my misery. More than anything, it was the shock that instilled an everlasting fear in me. The shock that hit me like a truck. One that I never saw coming. More than I feared eating alone or not having a partner, I now feared things that came out of the blue.
And ever since, I’d been determined to be as wary and watchful of my surroundings, the people in my life & their reactions to monitor any signs of news with the potential to shatter my world.
Cheers to the ones that accept us for us
For years, I disavowed my belief in the concept of a best friend. Those didn’t exist. And never put all your eggs in one basket my mother would affirm. And so, I didn’t. I continued to make friends with almost everyone I met, never letting anyone so much as to enter my true world or even read my true thoughts. I didn’t want to annoy, disappoint or even let anyone down – and thus, the people pleaser within me rose from the ashes. I lost myself in the process, living by other peoples’ timelines, preferences & lives, I forgot I had one of my own. That I too, had a voice.
That is, until I met my people.
No, I do not have that “friends” friend group we all aspire to have (and some are lucky to), nor do I have a consistent trio girl gang that I send all my little updates to. But, I have people from different pockets of my life who contribute to my life in such a meaningful way, so as to remind me that they want nothing more than to get to know me. My authentic self – along with all my quirks, arbitrary opinions and inconsistent response rate.
They push me to be courageous enough to have a timeline of my own, to begin to build a life that I will enjoy and to go forth, fearlessly in my endeavours to overcome all the fears in my head. Of course, there are those friends that raise my heart rate a little too much, and gift me the unnecessary anxiety by their cold responses – and to those, I point to the door outside my life. But to those that accept me for me, I am all giddy (like a 5 year old) to hold dear and close to my heart.
Frankly, I didn’t know where this piece was going today. But who would’ve guessed this was an ode to my friends. Cuz all these gems make my life a treasure.
– Her.