It’s restless season.
Recently, I’ve been feeling….somewhat all over the place. As if my mind’s racing at 50 million mph, and my body’s failing to keep up, and this mismatch constantly makes me want to turn off the noise, and just slip into plain silence.
Truly, I can’t put a finger on it, but more than usual, I just want to run away into the woods and just “be”.
Let me try to explain – some days, I want to curl up into a ball and not interact with anyone. Some days, I think my calling is to become a monk sitting atop a mountain in Tibet. And some days, what I want more than anything is to be on a hot air balloon in Turkey.
Needless to say, it’s restless season. A dozen desires tugging at a twenty-something’s already frayed attention span…slipping me back into the autopilot mode of scrolling (through recipe videos of course).
Perhaps I’ve always been this way. Perhaps I’ve become so accustomed to the norm of shifting from project to projects, idea to idea – so much so that silence feels foreign to me. This scatterbrain of mine keeps tripping me up, like an intentional banana peel I refuse to acknowledge, blocking my attempts to “get my sh*t together.” It oddly feels as though there’s mayhem and chaos within my world, and yet everything around me seems to move on as nothing’s changed. As if no one can see my queasiness. Hear it. Feel it. Or even acknowledge its existence. And funnily enough, I’m the only one that can untangle it.
And yet, now more than ever, I see every opportunity as a shiny toy – an escape route to rescue me from this uncertainty. A way into a “better” Sara, a “different” one I can only access anyplace but here. But the tough pill to swallow is: I don’t feel like the most refined version of myself today. I feel “raw”. I feel unfinished.
And maybe – strangely – that’s okay?
Because truly, this era is not about chasing. It’s about experiencing. It’s about embracing change, the ups, the downs and everything in between. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in this very moment. Maybe I’ll gain more by tending to my side of the grass now, than I would by studying the greener grass on the other side that isn’t meant for me yet.
This logical, rational explanation isn’t giving me any comfort yet. But I trust that it will – because growth, I’ve been told, looks like a tangled web of chaos before it gets organized. I definitely think writing it down attempts to unravel what’s up in there 😉
in other news, i am officially a boomer.
