Today was one of those days – those fidgety, anxious-ridden, restless ones. The ones where time truly stops, because I think I can go at the speed of light. Today, the day to day monotony got to me. The frustration caught up to me, and all I could focus on was – the time. I’d be lying if I said my way out of one of these is to “take a deep breath, and focus on taking it one step at a time”. Because truly, that never works. Ever.
What works for me is distraction, movement, taking a shower (for that feeling of freshness) and being present. Distraction? TV Sitcoms, reading books and trying to analyze a data. Movement? A hardcore workout class and a lot of walking back and forth around town. Being present? When I’m being active, I find myself more present than ever. Because it’s all you can focus on. No new tabs to open, no time stamps to check, no notifications taking over my finite attention. It’s all me, in the moment, putting in the work. I find this with a good book too – but I have to get myself to sit down in one place, which can be hard on a fidgety day.
This can’t be it, can it?
On days like this, I find myself feeling like time stops. Like life has taken a pause – because my thoughts are running faster than real life is. And I just want, for pete’s sake, for it to hurry up. Go quicker. Why? Valid question. I’ve been thinking about it too – I think it happens when I’m not happy with what I’m doing, feeling unproductive or feel like I’m wasting my time. Just like my rampant bouts of flavor fatigue (yes, I coined the term), I find myself in periods of activity fatigue. I can’t do the same thing over and over and over again. Unless it’s a regime. A routine I’ve come to find comfort in – this is extremely rare though. It took me forever to fall in love with my workout regime. And right now I’m at that point where I feel like life is so small through my lens – there’s gotta be more out there, she thinks about 1500 times a month. There’s gotta be. This can’t be it, can it? I can do so much more. If only I got out of my way and looked for it. If only I wouldn’t give up on myself. If only I accepted myself for who I am – and recognized my quirks come form who I am. If only I knew this was part of the process of getting to know myself. Knowing my mind and walking with it – instead of berating and rushing it. Take your time. Breathe. In and out.
If only I accepted myself for who I am.
One day I’m going to break through this barrier. I’m going to reach my potential. I’m there right now mentally. I’m going to deal with activity fatigue the right way – through adopting my action bias. Time to walk the walk. Find out my ikigai and walk my own path. I’m tired of walking everyone’s but my own. Time to seek adventure. Time to find adventure in every phase of life.